Our family ties and their tangle of knots

I read somewhere recently that ONE in FIVE Australians is estranged from their family because of shifting societal attitudes and low tolerance for toxic behaviour, and increased awareness of mental health. Many counsellors actually advise clients to walk away from their parents.

This information stopped me in my tracks. I thought our family was unusual. That our living grief and never-ending sadness was solely for us to bear.

Apparently not.

A family estrangement is complex, and I would never cast an opinion on who causes a crack to happen or why. However, having lived this and watched my parents’ anguish over my sister’s choices every day for seven years is enough for me to try and stop any other family from having to go through this. As my parents get older, and my dad, iller, I wonder if this will ever sort itself out before they die. Probably not.

My sister was the one who chose not to have anything to do with my parents, and later that encompassed my brother and me. From actions that I haven’t had anything to do with, I lost my sister, who was one of my closest friends. The ripple effects are large and long-lasting.

Doesn’t that cause mixed feelings?! Am I angry at her or at my parents for not trying harder with her? Realistically, I know they’ve tried everything, from ringing and writing letters to mediation. I love my parents, I love my sister. Gah! Complicated!

What I also know is that everyone's memories of situations differ. My detective friend says ‘the most unreliable witness is an eyewitness’. How true. When it’s a situation that is close to you, it can be worse, because of the high emotional toll.

Anyhow, the reason for this long post is just to say (and not knowing anyone else’s circumstances) each generation has differing opinions on everything. You can’t expect an 80-year-old to understand a 20-year-old’s life. Attitudes towards everything have changed since that 80-year-old was 20 years of age, along with technology and society. Nor can you expect the 20-year-old to cast back to a time before they were born and understand that 80-year-olds life of starting generators for power or filling up a thermos for the day so they only had to boil the kettle once. The frugality of life back then.

Respect goes a long way. Not just in these situations, but in life in general. If we respected the other person, there wouldn’t be any domestic violence (I know that’s a simplified view, but the baseline is that), and we would be able to have conversations that went something like:

‘I don’t agree with you.’

‘And that’s just fine. We can agree to disagree. Now would you like a beer?’

‘I’d love a cup of tea. What book are you reading this week?’

And we could all live respectful lives.