I’ve always told my kids that “if we don’t share our stories, then how can we help people?” That’s why they don’t mind me talking about the challenges they live with; they embrace them and are what makes them who they are (that doesn’t take away, they’ve had extra challenges to deal with and hard yards to get to where they are today.)
Everyone says to me how confident they think I am. How much like the characters I write about, I am. How they see a strong woman, forging her way in the world.
In reality, nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve always joked that writers have an amazing ability to have so much self loathing and neediness it would be enough to drive the most attentive publisher away. Always said in a light hearted tone.
Again, the truth is, that’s exactly what I can be like. Lacking in so much self confidence and loathing that it can be crippling.
When I lived at the farm, I lived in a constant state of anxiety. The fear and apprehension was always with me, so much so that I didn’t even recognise it in the end. However, my body kept reminding it was there. I had a constant rash on my elbows and hips – so itchy I went through a tube prescription cream once a week and I could never get rid of it. I’d scratch and scratch until I bled. My hair started to fall out and my gums would bleed.
Anxiety at its worst, is crippling and unless you’ve experienced it, again it’s like a a hidden disease or disability, it’s hard to understand. The panic attacks that would send me flying to the toilet to either vomit or sit on would come on suddenly and with ferocity. A naturopath I visited once, told me my adrenal glands were shot to pieces from living as I had for so long.
What this anxiety does is make you question whether you’re really good enough – the amount of times I released a book and expected it to fail because someone will suddenly say; ‘Fleur, you can’t write, this has all been a bit of trick!’ is every single time! Sixteen books and I feel that every time. I have felt like I’m a failure as a mother, because of the kids and their challenges. I’ve wondered why my friends actually want to be friends with me. I’ve wondered if I’m good enough for someone to love me.
One thing I’ve learned over the last couple of years while working with a wonderful counsellor is that it is actually okay to have anxiety… when it’s warranted. If you have a real reason; like one of your kids is sick or you’re worried about paying your bills – that’s all warranted stuff. But what’s not okay is to walk around in a constant state for no real reason.
Until recently, that’s what I’ve been doing.
My counsellor put me onto a meditation/journey that was really helped with everything I’ve been experiencing for years. Put together by Peter Smith and others these meditations will help you in so many ways, but in my life, it was the anxiety that really took a hit and started to disappear – not all together. Like I said before, it’s okay to have anxiety when it’s warranted, and yes, I still get it but not to the degree I did before.
Now this journey in to the Transcendence Adventure is just that; an adventure. There will be words in there that you’re not used to (that’s my guess!) ‘overcome, prevailed’ are just a few. And you’ll need an open mind if you haven’t haven’t done any meditation or spiritual stuff before. I certainly found some of the words… ‘interesting’ until I got used to them. If you head into this with an open mind and heart, the transformation in your life will be amazing. I promise you. This has totally worked for me.
Living with anxiety is debilitating. I hate it, because at times it makes me unlovable; I can be so needy that people want to walk away from me. I’ve tried so many different ways to reduce it, over many, many years.
I wanted to share this with you leading up to Christmas time. Christmas can be such a wonderful day, but I find it goes with all sorts of politics and stress. And this year, my guess is that it will be worse for some people; I can’t get to my family in South Australia. Also, 2020 has been such a strange, horrible year and I know the journeys will help you through all of that built up fear, stress and anxiety.
So in wearing my heart on my sleeve to you all today, I hope my story will help you. Because that’s what I was put here to do; help and love others and the only way I know how to do that, is by telling you stories; mine, my kids and others.
Check out The Transcendence Journey – and then let me know if it changes you life, the way it’s changed mine.
